Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it's like heaven, but drunker
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
