probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
