I just saw a hot homeless man
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
