I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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