He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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