I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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