Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
