dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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