Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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