Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My life is pants optional.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
