M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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