Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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