I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
3 2 1 whiskey
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
