I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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