My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
