level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
