see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
