Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
