What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
