Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
