I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
