He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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