There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I didn't notice because vodka
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
