My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
