Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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