I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
