I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
