The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
