I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
