Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
