remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I love having hate sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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