I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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