I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
