I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
