i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
