Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize