How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
