ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
