apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
smell my finger.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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