That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
