sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Say something about gay babies.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
