I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
