A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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