Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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