My underwear smells like fireworks.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
