i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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