He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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