She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
