Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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