Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
