I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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