the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
