im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
