My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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