My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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