Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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