Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
