Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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