My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
