Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
