Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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