Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
