I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
