I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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