you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
