Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize