2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
