At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize